Saturday, February 21

Today we have a special guest, kids. It's Mr. Criminal, and he's going to teach us all how to be a little safer in our daily lives.

Hello, Mr. Criminal. Tell us a little about crime and safety.

Oh, I'm sorry kids, I know it's a little hard to understand Mr. Criminal, he does tend to mumble and stare at his feet while talking. He says that crime is the worst thing in the world and to stay away from people who do crime. They are very different from you, and you will have nothing nice to talk about. It'll be awkward--you and the criminal--So stay away.

Truly insightfull, yes. Does the light scare you? You know, the one lamp that people leave on when they go out at night. The lamp to scare all the badguys away. Does it actually scare you, or is that just a myth?

He says it does actually scare them, children, and that despite all the scars and chains and black leather clothing, criminals are all big sissies inside. All it takes is for one lamp to be left on in a dark house and they won't go near it.

What about murdering? How does one avoid it?

What's that? That last bit? oh... okay. He says that the best way to avoid being murdered is to live in a big house in a rich neighborhood. Buy the most expensive things
you can and invite your friends over to look at them. Buy guns and shoot things often. You should shoot anything that looks as if it might murder.

Oh, and he also says that eating sugar, watching too much television, picking your nose, or thinking dirty thoughts about girls will get you murdered sure thing.

I have one last question, Mr. Criminal. Being a badguy yourself, what do you suggest we do to rid the world of your horrilbe lot?

Oh, calm down there Mr. Criminal, no need to begin yelling so inarticulately. Yes, calm down. I can't even understand you.

Okay, he says that all the badguys need to be tricked into a big football field or something. Possibly tricked with the promise of easy rape victims or free instructional classs on credit card fraud. They then need to be poisoned, chopped into pieces, and defecated upon without the consent of any sort of judicial system. He's a badguy himself, so he knows best.

Let's all give him a hand. Thanks Mr. Criminal. Say Mr. Happy Puppet Head, isn't it good to learn that badguys are so easily classified and dealt with? And kids, his whole football field/mass murder proposal really sounded like a good idea, right? So write your congressman, because that's the only way to change anything these days.

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