Thursday, July 28

Some kids showed up today for Summer Camp. I regret posting those application forms at the Grocery Store. So much.

"Where's our bunks?" asks the little kid. It's impossible to tell their genders, but I think I don't have a good eye for that. All kids look the same. "I get the top bunk!"

"Sh! I want it," whispers the older one. Their skin is a brownish color and they have strange hair. They have brought a suitcase to summer camp.

"Um..." I tell them. "Uh. Yeah. Yes. Summer Camp. Hold on."

I shut them out of the house and lock the door. "Mr. Happy Puppet Head?" I call. "Hey, some kids actually came for Summer Camp."

No answer. "Hello? Mr. Happy Puppet Head?" I call up the stairs. "What do we do? There are some kids here."

I wait for another moment, trying to locate him in the house, but I don't hear anything. I go back out to the porch. "I'm sorry," I tell the kids. "Camp was cancelled. No camp. Sorry."

The siblings (I guess they're siblings) look at me blankly. "No camp," I continue. "You can go home."

"We flew here," argues the older one. "Our ticket home isn't for another week. Our mom told us we were going to Summer Camp."

"She said softball, too," pulls the younger on the older's elbow. That's when I notice that Mr. Happy Puppet Head is sleeping the bushes. I nudge him with my foot and tell him about the kids and Summer Camp.

"Summer Camp?" he asks as he rolls over.

"Yeah, we never even built those cabins." Despite our best intentions, we had never did make it to the Hardware Store. "What do we do?"

Mr. Happy Puppet Head sighs deeply. "Just make them sleep in the backyard. That's like camping."

So it is.

DAY ONE at the Midnight Mailman Show Summer Camp.

The Campers dig their beds in the yard behind our house. We tell them not to make the holes too deep, because of the worms. After the initial round of questions, they turned out to be pretty good diggers.

"Can we play softball now?" asks the little one.

"No, now we meditate," I tell them. "That means we sit and be quiet. With Zen." I sit on the grass next to their beds and show them how to cross their legs and hold their hands palm up with thumb and middle finger touching. "Shhh..." I whisper. "You can chant, too. If you want." They stand leaning on their shovels. "Great!" I stand up. "Goodnight." Their frightened eyes bore into the back of my neck.

At first they keep knocking on the door. Little polite, scared knocks. A little while later I think I hear them having fun outside, but I'm really trying to pay attention to what's on TV.

DAY TWO (Nature is Nature's Candy)

When I wake up they are sound asleep in their beds. They've even figured out how to cover themselves with dirt like a blanket. My heart melts a little.

They're up after a few gentle nudges on the shoulder. They rub their eyes and ask if there's any breakfast. "No breakfast," I explain. "Last night we made a tentative schedule for the week. Today is 'Nature Day.' So today you are both going to develop your love of the Outdoors." Mr. Happy Puppet Head watches from the kitchen window. He takes a sip from his coffee and turns away. "You can do whatever you want outside," I pick up a stick. "There are sticks everywhere. Nature."

I open the gate to the fence in case they want to escape, but make sure the the sliding glass door is shut tight.

A few hours later I'm forced to tape up a 'No Knocking on Door' sign. Before I go to bed take a peek out the window, and I notice that they don't seem to like eating pinecones and grass. I think about leaving out some of our leftovers, but decide there's only one way to really develop a love for the Outdoors."

DAY TWO (Fun in the Sun!)

They each eat four bowls of cereal. It's like these kids've never been forced to go hungry a day in their lives.

I explain that the rules of today's Sunburn Contest. The kid with the worst sunburn on his back, face, and arms by the end of the day wins. Wins some licorice Jelly Beans. I also point out where the water hose is. I ask them if water hoses are fun and they shrug their shoulders.

I forget to see who wins the contest. I fall asleep reading this really good book.

DAY THREE (More like Farts and Crafts!)

They look at the construction paper and glue like it's poison or something. "You can make pictures with it." I tell them, pointing out the piece of green paper. "Like a rocket ship or a can opener."

Around Lunch Time they break into my house. They climb up to the attic window, which I thought would be too small for them to fit through. I guess it isn't. Luckily I long ago boarded up the pull-down ladder thing a few years ago. That attic is creepy.

I can't fall asleep for a while because of their walking back and forth across the attic floor, which is my bedroom ceiling. They kind of talk a little and laugh sometimes. Kids can be so inconsiderate sometimes. I banged the ceiling with a broom, but they were quiet for only like a minute after that.

DAY FOUR (Western Wednesday)

They showed a whole bunch of old Western Movies on TV today. I never really did like Westerns too much, but these were pretty good.

I hope they're some rats or something in the attic those kids can eat. Maybe some roaches or spiders.

DAY FIVE (Fivty Percent Off Yellow Tags)

I find this really great funny t-shirt at the Thrift Store, and it's a Yellow Tag item. I'll probably never wear, though. It's a little too short.

DAY SIX (Goodbyes are Good)

I decide that today is the last day of Summer Camp. I bang on the ceiling with the broom and yell that it's time for them to go home. I don't hear any response. No shuffling of feet, no talking, nothing.

Downstairs I see a trail of sooty black footprints leading from the fireplace to the front door. The TV is missing, as well as one of my favorite lamps. The door stands open a crack.

"What?" Mr. Happy Puppet Head drops his drink on the floor, spilling liquor everywhere. "Where's the TV?"

"They took it with them."


"The kids."


"From the Summer Camp."

"But what are we going to do today?" He looks at me like it's my fault.

DAY SEVEN (Reflection)

Next year camp will be ten times better. We'll build that cabin with bunk beds like we wanted to do in the first place, and maybe we'll get some hairnets and cook some chili. Like a big pot of it and keep it in the backyard with some hamburger buns.

I think we could have more games, too. We should dig a pool.

Most importantly is that we all really learned a lot. Mostly about life, but other things, too. We learned that planning is a key component to a successful Summer Camp. We learned that attic Ghosts can now get into my house through the fireplace. We learned that Westerns aren't so bad.

I can't wait for next year.

Tuesday, July 26

"I had a great idea for a restaurant. You want to hear it?" asks Patti to Roboctopus and Potato. "Okay. It's called 'Knight Pizza,' knight spelled with a K, and the delivery people would dress in metal knight's armor. And it'd be open all night. Get it?" It's the middle of a hot summer afternoon and the siblings and their secret best friend are hanging out in the backyard.

"Hey, I have to go now," says Roboctopus. "That's a great idea, by the way. You should do that. The pizza restuarant." He wiggles accross the yard, crawls over the wooden fence, and lands on the other side with a grunt. Patti and Potato follow.

The children chase down their friend. "Hey, hey," calls Potato. "You said you couldn't leave our backyard because people would see you and then we'd get in trouble."

"Yeah, but this is an emergency." Roboctopus continues wiggling quickly down the sidewalk.

"What's wrong?" asks Patti.

"Nothing," answers Roboctopus.

A long black limo pulls up besides them and cruises slowly at their walking speed. Potato and Patti watch it silently while Roboctopus ignores it, staring up at the sky ahead of him.

The window slowly rolls down and a knife spins out from within. It lands on the sidewalk near the children's feet with a loud clattering.

A large man in a grey suit climbs out of the limo and Roboctpus runs away. The children quickly follow. The man stoops down and picks up his knife. He throws it again, but it bounces harmlessly in circles behind the robot/octopus and his terrified friends.

They run and run until they are at the Convinience Store. "Who was that man?" asks Patti. "Why was he throwing a knife at us?"

"I don't like running," says Potato.

"Nobody," answers Roboctopus. He takes a small China Doll out of his robot head. He tosses it on the ground and lights it on fire. It bursts into a large ball of flame for a brief moment before the doll incinerates into nothing. All that's left on the ground is a large pile of white powder.

"What's that stuff?" asks Patti.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it," says Roboctopus.

"It tatstes funny," says Potato, putting a small bit from his finger into his mouth.

"Don't eat it," commands Roboctopus. "We can sell it."

"Roboctopus, is that drugs?" Patti asks. "Did you steal them from a Gangster?"


"Oh no..." Potato is lying on the concrete staring up at the sky with enormously dilated pupils. "Oh no..."

"I told you not to eat it!" Roboctopus slams a tentacle on the ground. "Great."

The Gangster walks up, stops about four feet away and aims his knife with one eye closed. He throws it as hard as he can, but it hits the ground behind them, bouncing off of the convinience store. "Give me the doll," he demands, his right hand thrust in front of him, palm up.

"The kid ate it," Roboctopus explains. "You can have him, though. Like an exchange. I'll even throw in the girl."

"Wait," says Patti. "You can't give us to a ganster."

"Oh no..." moans Potato.

"He doesn't look so good." He points at Potato. "I don't want him."

"He'll probably get better."

"We need to go to a hospital," says Patti."He'll die!"

"She's got sass," the Gangster pulls out a burlap sack from his jacket pocket. He easily picks up the kids and shoves them into the sack. "I like kids with a little life to them. They may not always take out the trash when you tell them to, but at least they know what they want out of life."

"Definitely," agrees Roboctopus.

The Gangster walks away with the struggling kids in the sack slung over his shoulder. Roboctopus waits until he is gone before scooping up what's left of the white powder and slipping it into his mouth grate.

"Hey you!" shouts Roboctopus to an old lady walking into the convinience store. "I bet I can do more pushups than you!" Roboctopus does 537 more pushups than her. She does zero.

Thursday, July 21

There is a small town in the heart of the mid-Western United States. Like Montana or Kansas.

A small child sits in front of her parents house playing with a large red rubber ball. She bounces it on the pavement and it hits a rock, causing it to bounce askew. The little girl chases it as it rolls into the middle of the road just as a large tanker truck barrels towards her. The large tanker trunk swerves violently in an attempt to save the girl and careens into the award winning largest herd of cattle in North America. The truck flips over and spills it's flammable liquids all over the cowsbefore it explodes. The cows are quickly transformed into a mile-in-diameter mass of on-fire stampede.

"Do you hear that?" James asks the woman standing in front of him.

"It smells like beef," Maura replies as she scribbles in her check book.

"Yeah, it does..." The flaming heard of cattle crashes into the "Banco de Nuestro Communidad" downtown branch. The manager yells for everyone to get into the money safe, and everyone hurries in. James and Maura sit on opposite sides of the vault and steal glances at each other occasionally. When they come back out the bank is completely demolished, along with about a fourth of the town surrounding it. Everything is stomped and burned into rubble.

"Wow," says James.

"Yeah," says Maura. "Look at that."

A week later the Nuclear Power Plant in the town next door has a meltdown. The toxic cloud rolls over the neighboring town and instantly kills everyone that lives there. Lots of yelling and crying for about an hour, then silence. The cloud rolls over our small town, but nothing seems to happen. Everyone appears to be fine.

It isn't until weeks later that anyone realizes that all the children in the town have developed murderous psychic abilities. They float through the town like a pack of wild dogs--a pack of wild dogs that owns a small mid-Western town. When they see an adult, they use their powers to pull all the adult's insides out through their nostrils.

Eventually, after lots of adults are turned inside out, someone figures out that if you play Vivaldi, the kids fall asleep. The adults find a way to blare Vivaldi all through the town, so the kids fall deeply asleep. The adults organize themselves, find all the sleeping children, and chop their heads off.

"Hey, don't I know you?" asks Maura as she wipes her bloody machete off on her tank top.

"Maybe," replies James. "The bank? Was it at the bank during--"

"The Stampede!" interrupts Maura. "Yeah."

"Cool," says James. "I should probably get back with my group."

"Yeah, me too."



"A great wind approaches!" howled the leader of the psychic murder kids, moments before his death. "Lazers and vampires!" And he wasn't kidding. The next day, as soon as the whole psychic kid thing is taken care of, whordes of tornadoes descend on the small, unlucky town. Everyone retreats to their basements, until they realize that these tornadoes shoot lazers and are being ridden by five-headed vampires. Retreating to their basements is exactly what the tornado-riding vampires want them to do.

"Watch out!" yells Maura. James watches out just in time to avoid being tornadoed.

"Thanks," says James. "I've been meaning to-- watch out!" James tackles Maura and they both barely avoid being lazered.

"What were you meaning to do?" asks Maura as they lie side-by-side in a ditch by the side of the road.

"I just keep seeing you a lot lately, it seems, you know, maybe I could pick you up sometime and we could go out?"

Before Maura can answer, one of those five-headed vampires appears next to the ditch. They run and get separated.

The tornadoes are defeated by the enormous flood. Water quickly rises up from the ground and devours both the tornadoes and the vampires, as well as the rest of the town.

James sits on the roof of his apartment constructing a crude boat out of what's left of the building. Maura floats by on her makeshift raft.

"Are you building a boat?" she asks.

"Hey!" replies James. "Yeah, it's a boat. I figure, you know, I might as well make a boat."

"Yeah, me too." She checks her watch. "You need any help? I made some sandwiches."

"Of course," says Steve. He checks his watch. His watch is broken. "My name's James."

"Maura. My name's Maura."

They both nod and smile awkwardly. Before too long there isn't a roof to sit on anymore, and James has to crawl into Maura's little raft.

The rest of the day is spent telling each other about themselves and floating around the aquarium the world has become. James learns that Maura's best friend is her sister Rachel, and Maura learns that James studied Economics in college, but he teaches kindergarten.

The following morning they see the whales. Enormous mammoths of creatures, catapulting themselves out of the ocean and crashing violently into each other. They do this again and again. Whale corpses float to the surface.

It is a Whale War.

It lasts weeks.

James and Maura lay on their backs in their sinking raft as they hold each other tightly. The last sandwich was eaten two days ago, and only small ammounts of dew have been aquired for water. Not nearly enough.

"I have something to tell you, James," croaks Maura.

James nods weakly.

"I'm in love with you," she says.


"Aren't you in love with me? I thought... I know I am. Deeply."

"I don't know, it's... that's really great, though." James coughs roughly.

"Oh," she says and rolls over, facing the other direction. A whale flips up out of the water just as another flips out, and whacks the other whale firmly with it's tail.

Two days later they are almost dead, drained of energy, when their raft hits land. They look up and realize that the water has receded and the world has returned to normal. The Eiffel tower stands proudly before them.

"We're in Paris," whispers James.

"Hot damn," moans Maura. "Lets get baggettes."

But there are no baggettes left in France. There is nothing left in France except the Eiffel Tower. They have to eat parts of a dead whale they find. It isn't any good, but they hold hands while they eat.

At their wedding the priest becomes possesed and all his body parts spin around. They smile becasue it's fitting and reminds them of the old days, but refuse to pay him for his services.

Wednesday, July 20

the nuclear bomb story NOTES.

"i will turn that one story about the nuclear bomb and that kid without glasses into a Midnight Mailman story," said Robert several weeks ago. "Sure. that sounds fine."

it starts after a few stories where Midnight has lost his arms and legs and for some reason is wearing Kleenex boxes on his feet. he wears the boxes becasue since he lost his feet, it's strange to hover around without something covering his invisible feet. (his feet are invisible without boots on).

the story starts when Midnight wakes up and accidentally puts Mr. Happy Puppet Head's ear drops in his eyes. they bulge out and itch and he can't put on his goggles. then while they're waiting for a bus they get hi-jacked by this old guy in a wheelchair. originally he said his daughter was going to blow up the city, but now it's his son. (total sausage party.)

its raining really hard and midnight can't see anything. they keep running off the sidewalk. and the old guy in the wheelchair has a saw and is holding it against Mr. Happy Puppet Head's head. they have some funny dialogue.

then we get to city hall and find out that the old guy's son is the other Midnight Mailman, the one that used to be best friends with the real Midnight and Mr. Happy Puppet Head.

We learn this history:

they both invented the Midnight Mailman together when they were kids. but they both wanted to be him, so they had a contest. our Midnight won the contest, but the other got real mad so he donned the goggles and bowtie anyways. he moved to Africa for many years before returning. (there's a joke there, we just have to find it. find it later)

this is what the other Midnight Mailman looks like.

(that's a good drawing.)

so the other Midnight is all sad for reasons that will be explained more in the final story, so straps the homemade nuclear bomb onto the roof of his car and drives it up to city hall. it's still raining really hard, so no one notices as he unstraps it and drags it up the long flight of stairs to the front door.

midnight and mr. happy puppet head get there as he is halfway up. they talk and figure out what's happeneing and some funny jokes should be in there, too. maybe there's a struggle? (only if it's funny.)

so in the end the other Midnight Mailman pushes the button to nuclear blow everything up, and it shakes a whole lot like something big is going to happen. but then it just falls apart and makes some smoke come out. (predictable?) there's some crying and maybe some hugs (?). reconciliation. real Midnight's eyes get better from the rain or something (something funny?). (maybe there should be some gross moldy food somehow? like apple juice that's been sitting out for some months?)


the end should be a scene where Mr. Happy Puppet Head and Real Midnight Mailman are hanging out at their house and everything is back to normal. (except i don't want Midnight to have arms and legs just yet. maybe never again. who knows?) other Midnight Mailman comes over for cocktails and they laugh at things like television sitcoms. and the strange coincidences of life. only it'll be cleverly written.

the end.

Monday, July 18

A Scene from the new Big Scary Monster Movie.



A little girl lies down in bed and rolls over to go to sleep.



The girl waks up and is now a bird.

Wow, I’m a bird now! Yay!

Bird flies all crazy all around the room, bumping into things, feathers going everywhere. The Bird’s HUMAN MOTHER walks into the room.

Hey! You bird, get out of here!
Don’t you peck my walls! Out!

She shushes the bird out the window.


The little bird flies through the trees and the clouds and the pretty blue sky.

Yay! I can fly! This is so much fun! Wow!



The little bird still flies all fun and free, but she is really tired.

Yay, I can fly. This is so much fun.

The little bird lands on the ground.


The bird looks around at the bushes and sidewalk and things around her.

Where am I? I think I’m lost.

A man in a business suit approaches. He is wearing shiny black shoes that pound closer and closer to the little bird. Just before she gets stepped on, she flies into the air.
She watches the man walk away before landing again.


The bird turns to find a small worm that’s been stepped on.

Oh no! You’ve been smooshed in half!

Yeah, looks like it.

Aren’t you sad?

I guess. Hey, you hungry?

I’m starving!

Then what are you waiting for? Birds eat worms.

What? I don’t want to eat you.

Why not? I’m a worm, crushed in half, you’re a hungry bird. Dig in.


A little furry Cute walks up.

I’m hungry.

Cutes don’t eat worms. Only birds eat worms.

But I’m hungry. What about you? Do cutes eat birds?

I hope not!

That’s no kind of answer. Can I eat you or not?

I’d rather you didn’t.

See, again, you’re not answering my question. Do cutes eat birds?

Cutes do not eat birds.


The cute walks away.

Well, I guess I”ll die now.

Oh no! Don’t!

I got stepped on. Happens.

I’ll be so lonely when you’re gone.

You should go home to your bird family.

My family is a people family.

I… don’t understand.

They’re people. Girls and Boys and grandpas and grandmas and—

Yeah, okay. Later.

Worm falls over dead. Bird pecks it but the worm is dead.

Goodbye Worm. You got smooshed in half. You were nice. The End.

The bird flies away.


The bird flies into her old room. CG TITLE: 10 Years Later

Wow, that took a long time. Ten years!

Bird’s mom walks into the room.

Bird! You get out of here! Don’t you peck on my walls!

Mom! It’s so good to see you! It’s been so long, and I’ve seen so much! Friends smooshed in half, and a lot—

Ut! No birds in the house! Shoosh!

She picks up her bird-daughter and tosses her out the window.


The bird sits in front of the house, sad.

I wish I were a human child again. Then she’s make me a sandwich.

The cute walks up to talk to her.

You said can turn into a human child?


Then why don’t you?

Oh. Right.

With a small poof of SOUND and magic, the bird is now a little girl again. She runs inside and runs back outside with a sandwich. She eats it happily.

Do cutes eat human children who can turn into birds?

The little girl shakes her head “NO.”

The cute SIGHS and wanders off.


This story may not make it into the final script. Mr. Happy Puppet Head says it doesn't go anywhere. I think it's cute. We'll see.

Sunday, July 17

"Um, could you, um. You put this box on me," Muscle tells Manager Leonard.

"Yeah I did,' says Manager Leonard. "You're lucky I didn't put two. Where's my Tuna? Where's Tiny?" They call him Tiny because he isn't. It's a joke. He's the largest Tuna in the world.

"I thought he'd be right back, he said he would. I can, you don't have to put this box on me." Muscle can't lift the box off of him no matter how hard he tries. His name wasn't supposed to be ironic or a joke or anything--his parents thought he would have lots of muscles seeing as they were both at one time the most famous Strong People Who Lift Things in the world.

"That box is full of promotional handouts," explains Manager Leonard. "What do I do with them now that Tiny's gone? Huh? Nothing. I might as well put them on your back. Right?"

"I don't, really that's not, I mean, maybe," says Muscle. "If there wasn't this box on my back, I mean, maybe I could go and find Tiny. I just need to, there was a place I left him and he should have come right back."

"Who's going to want a Tiny's Fish Palace and Extravaganza without a Tiny? Nobody. They come to eat the fried fish while a giant Tuna--the biggest in the world--swims around under the glass floor." Manager Leonard watches Muscle wiggle painfully under the big box of pamphlets. "I'm going to put another box on you. Hold on." Leonard goes back into his restaurant.

While Muscle is waiting to have another box put on him, Tiny comes back.

"Hey, buddy," says Tiny, slithering his the largest Tuna body accross the sidewalk. "Sorry that took so long. But check this out." Tiny rolls onto his back to show off the bad-ass tatoo on his fishbelly. "It hurts like shit, though." The tatoo depicts the Moon on fire with a snake wrapped threateningly around it.

"Nice," says Muscle. "That's awesome."

Manager Leonard walks back out into the parking lot. He is carrying a large box. "Where you been, Tiny?" Manager Leonard carefully places the other box on top of the other box on top of Muscle. "Why didn't you call? I been worried."

"Check it out," the enormous Tuna fish rolls over so Manager Leonard can see his rad tat.

"That's the most retarded thing I've ever seen," Manager Leonard says, turning himself back to the restaurant. "Come on. You're late for working."

"Man, I don't want to work today," says Tiny. "I just want to get stoned and watch the waves."

"I just want boxes off of me," says Muscle.

"Yeah, that looks like it sucks."

"It does. A lot."

"Look, Jimmy, the largest Tuna in the world!" The mother points her finger to indicate the largest tuna in the world swimming lazily beneath their feet. "If this clear plastic floor weren't here between us, that Tuna would tear us into tiny Happy Family pieces."

"Oh, no!" cries her adorable child.

Tiny yawns. Muslce falls asleep and dreams about ice cream. Manager Leonard cheats a customer out of a nickle and smiles broadly when he turns his back.

Sunday, July 10

Check it out. We're still pushing that old guy in the wheelchair to get his daughter who's trying to blow up the city with her nuclear bomp strapped to the top of her car. And it's raining. And I still don't have any arms or legs, and my eyes are all bulgy and itchy from putting those eyedrops in them. And those are Kleenex boxes on my feet.

But I'm bored with that story. I'll finish it later. Or something.

Here's something else.

It's called "He was so Excited, He could Totally Fly."

Everyone said things about this and that. But he didn't even notice, he was that excited.

"This is pure," he told his mother and her friends as they sat around the table, clipping pictures out of magazines. "I am a ball of purity that has no fathoms. It is fathom-less." He floated away, right through the walls, too. Didn't need doors.

The Mail Carrier Woman yelled, "Hey kid! I got some mail for you."

"Anything good?" he asked.

"Not really," she replied, shuffling through the envelopes. "Looks like a bill... and one of those cupon books."

"Thanks, I'll get it later!" he yelled back as he floated away into the clouds.

In the clouds the Beautiful Cloud Bugs asked him, "Why are you so excited?"

"I don't know... Just, you know... Hey! You want to guess what color I'm thinking of?"

"White?" they guess.

"Yup! You Beautiful Cloud Bugs win again!"

And they did win again. The Beautiful Cloud Bugs always won. Every time.

The End.