Thursday, October 28
Today has been the day for finding severed animal parts all over the place, and sometimes creepy messages painted in animal blood on the walls. In my bathroom, there was the severed tail of some furry animal, and in blood on the tile was written "i'm a ghost and i'm haunting you." I can't go in that bathroom anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be able to again. Mr. Happy Puppet Head laughed at me, but I can tell he's scared, too. We thought about calling the police, especially after finding the top half of a cute little bird on the couch, but we're pretty sure it's a ghost, and the police aren't good with ghosts.
I'm in the backyard now. We put all the parts in a pile in the backyard, and it's starting to get pretty big. I don't know what to do with it. Burry it?
Mr. Happy Puppet Head is inside watching tv with enormous rabbit. I go to get my shovel from under the house to start digging a mass grave-hole when I hear Mr. Happy Puppet Head start yelling inside. "Midnight!" he yells. "Get the fuck in here! Midnight!" I run inside brandishing my shovel in case I need to save my friend from something scary.
In the living room Mr. Happy Puppet Head and enormous rabbit are staring at the TV. Our show is on, but it's no show we've ever made. At least not yet.
On the screen are me and Mr. Happy Puppet Head being torn to bloody pieces by some sort of invisible ghost. Our television-selves scream and cry as our organs go everywhere, blood collecting in pools with bits of gore and slices of bone. My cape flutters to the ground and Mr. Happy Puppet Head's dismembered mustache is hurled accross the stage by this unseen antagonist. I think I'm going to throw up.
I turn around, it feels like someone is watching me watch myself be killed on tv. No one is behind me.
Except my house is different now. There aren't any windows and all the furniture is on fire.
"What's going on Mr. Happy Puppet Head?" I ask.
"I don't know..." he says, eyes locked on the continued mutilation of our already unrecognizable corpses on the screen.
"The windows are gone."
"What?" he looks around, noticing the lack of windows and the blazing fire for the first time. "What? Ah shitty!"
Then our enormous rabbit friend, that had up until this point been huddled trembling up next to me as close as she could, now stands on her back legs and speaks in a growly voice "i am a ghost and i am haunting you!" and her eyes get all red and glowing and she starts foaming at the mouth all possessed style.
Wednesday, October 27
So we're thinking of naming her several things. Here's a list:
We are not good at naming pets.
But whoever she will be named as, she's fitting in pretty well. Her and Mr. Happy Puppet Head watch soap operas all afternoon and this morning I caught them both curled up in the corner all snuggled up sleeping. It was the most heartwarmingest thing ever.
Tuesday, October 26
Ted and Lucinda are standing in the graveyard at night. Lucinda has just come back from the Spooky Parade where all the dead people and ghosts and murderers and monsters go have a parade down the main street. It was lots of fun and she got a balloon.
"I got to kill some happy family and feast on their innards," says Lucinda. "And everyone was singing this one song about drilling holes in skulls. It was so much fun."
"I wish I could have gone," says Ted. "But I had to work all night and my work never ends."
"What do you do again? I forget."
"I make sure all the dead people in this graveyard stay in the ground when it's not time for a parade... oh shit!" Ted slaps his forhead with a tentacle. "I just remembered that I got the night off for the parade. Boy I feel dumb."
A dead person sticks his or her decomposing skull out of the ground nearby and croaks, "See? I told you we could come out of the ground tonight! Didn't I tell ya? Huh?"
"I'm sorry," says Ted. "But now you'll have to wait until next year's parade."
Another dead person sticks their head out nearby and yells, "What about Halloween? Since we missed the big parade, can we come out for Halloween?" A chorus of dead moans and croaks bellows their aggreement.
"I don't know..." Ted scratches one tentacle with another. He looks at Lucinda for help.
"They did miss the big parade..." she says. "It was really great, too. They had this one magician who could turn the remains of a devoured happy family into vampire bats. He was so awesome."
"Mm..." Ted thinks. "Okay, you guys can come out and play this Halloween, but just this one time. Don't expect it next year."
"Yay!" all the dead in the graveyard exclaim. "Yay for Ted!"
Ted shrugs his shoulders. "What are you doing for Halloween? I guess I get the day off."
"Oh, sorry," says Lucinda. "I have plans already."
"I don't know. I told Leonard I'd go out with him already."
"Oh, okay." Leonard sees a dead person crawling out of their grave. "Hey! Get back in there! Not until Sunday. Halloween isn't until Sunday." The rotted corpse mumbles something and retreats into its grave. "Maybe I'll just stay in," says Ted. "And give out poisoned candy to kids."
"That sounds great," says Lucinda. But she isn't listening. She's thinking about Leonard. And Ted dies a little inside for it.
Monday, October 25
As requested, we went looking for a pet, me and Mr. Happy Puppet Head. We feel like we need more responsibility, because responsiblity is a good thing.
And the idea of a giant bunny rabbit had come up as a possibility, so we went looking. Giant bunnies are a lot easier to find than one might think, but finding a giant bunny of quality is far more difficult. None of the ones in the pet stores had those sad eyes you can just fall in love with. Sad eyes are something one should always look for in a pet.
And then we found this one in a parking lot behind the pharmacy. There had been some sort of accident and the bunny was just standing there like it was about to melt from empathy.
So we hurried it home and away from the scene of whatever accident happened before the cops got there. We didn't want our new best friend to get mixed up in any legal mess.
And thus our new friend is fitting in just fine. We haven't named it yet, nor figured out whether it's a boy or a girl. Not wanting to make it feel uncomfortable, neither of us have checked. But a corner of the living room has been relegated as enormous bunny space, and we're feeding it all the quesadillas and salsa it wants (that's good bunny food).
So we'll see how this works out.
Tuesday, October 19
he asks "would you cut your arm of for me?
she replies, "what? do you need it?"
and he says "nah."
"then no," she says. "you're crazy.
"you're not going to cut it off for me?"
"why do you want it?"
he rolls his eyes, "i don't know. 'cause i said so."
"if you liked me then you wouldn't ask me to cut my arm off."
"okay, fine, i need it."
"for what?" she asks. "are you going to eat it?"
"yeah," he replies. "it's gonna taste good."
"well sure, then. i'll give it to you."
"really?" he asks. "what about your right arm?"
"i assumed that's what we were talking about."
"wow." he thinks for a moment. "yeah, i guess i'd give you my arm, too. if you needed it to live."
"yeah. living with one arm but having you around is way better than having both my arms and you dead."
"plus, it'd be more comfortable for snuggling up to you without that extra arm all the time in the way."
"wow," she says. "you're smart. we should just cut off our arms right now."
"hey," he asks. "was that just really romantic?"
"um, i'm a girl," she says.
"yeah, you're my girlfriend."
"no, we're just friends," she says. "i always thought you were a girl."
"no, i'm a boy... just friends, really?"
"yeah, but i thought you were a girl." she looks at him closely. "wow, i guess it's hard to tell with gerbils."
"i'm a hamster."
"oh, sorry." her green turtle-face blushes. "well i'm embarassed."
The studio is set up like a living room, nice and tidy, modestly decorated in blues and greys. As we fade in, the new theme song starts, which is a full orchestra making a lot of noise on their expensive stringed instruments. Mr. Happy Puppet Head is smashing the collectable plates arranged on the mantle when I walk in the door. I'm carrying my Midnight Mailbag and my flaming Sword of Justice.
While Mr. Happy Puppet Head knocks over the couch, I put out the flaming Sword of Justice in a bucket of justice water. I then change my fancy red and black cape to a fancy indoor plain black cape, and my fancy rubber boots to my indoor rubber boots.
Then me and Mr. Happy Puppet Head will stare directly into the camera and scream from our guts, a scream that has to do with all the pain and suffering in the world.
Cut to black, and begin the show.
Today's episode is all about cooking. Our first recipie is Peanut Butter Butter, which is basically a large stick of butter smeared with peanut butter.
Monday, October 18
"Wow," says Howie to her pet old man head, "I just want to sit down and relax but there's just so much to do."
She has to draw some pictures and take out the trash and clean the mold from behind Head's ears and avoid her older brother and eat all three meals and try to find the cookies inbetween and make her bed and jump on it as much as possible without her mom seeing her and sharpening that stick in the backyard against the concrete and chasing the roach out of her room and braiding and re-braiding her hair and taking a bath and doing her homework, not to mention going to school which sucks up most of every day.
"When I grow up," says Howie, "I'll live in a cave and kill anyone who tries to make me stop living there. I'll eat their insides for sustenance." Head nods his approval. "And we won't have to do anything we don't want to do," she adds.
The thought of a snuggly little cave in the montains with just her and Head and an assortment of skeletons makes her warm inside. She falls asleep under her bed, pretending they are caved already.
Friday, October 15
"I don't know..." says Mr. Happy Puppet Head as he takes a swig from his hip flask.
"What? What don't you like?"
"You know, it just sounds kind of cheesy and stupid."
"No," I say. "It'd be so beautiful and poetic. See at first the boy is all lonely and scared because he's on this island all by himself, but then the whale brings him some kelp to eat and that starts their friendship."
Mr. Happy Puppet Head nods, eyes squinted as he looks off into the distance.
"So then they start becoming really good friends and they swim around and I have this great idea for this shot where he's riding on the whale's back and he stands up just as the whale jumps into the air and he pumps his fists over his head like he's having a really great time."
"Maybe..." he says as he takes another swig. "How about one night, they're just hanging out in the ocean, sharing stories and the boy is all talking about how much he misses his mom and his friends and stuff, and one thing leads to another... they start fooling around... and the boy starts humping the whale."
"Wow, that's good. I like that." I take off my goggles and wipe off the fog that's collecting. "And then, what about just after that they find the boy and take him away back to civilization and his mom and everything? The final shot can be as he's taking off in the helicopter and he's crying and he presses his face against the window and waves and cries hysterically and the whale does all these jumps and spouts water out the blowhole and makes all those whale sounds."
"Okay," says Mr. Happy Puppet Head. "What about years later he comes back to find the whale and it's all beached on the sand and just about to die and he runs to the whale and hugs it. And as the whale is dying, he starts humping it again. Just for old time's sake?"
"That might be a little much."
"Yeah," he takes another contemplative swig. "But we should still do it anyways. The dead whale-humping."
"Maybe..." I say. "I really think we've got something here. I'm excited."
We'll win awards for this one I think.
Wednesday, October 13
Roboctopus and his friends Potato, Loraine, and Jimmy are in their secret clubhouse high in the oak tree in Potato's backyard.
"So what's the first order of business in today's Club Roboctopus Meeting?" asks Loraine.
"Oh," says Potato. "We were going to talk about a fundraiser, I think. Roboctopus, tell me what you think of this idea. T-shirts! With your picture on them."
"But," says Jimmy. "Isn't Roboctopus our secret? If anyone else found out about him, they'd probably want to capture him and put him in a zoo or on some dumb tv show and we wouldn't get to have fun with him anymore."
Roboctopus picks up a big kitchen knife from under the carpet and starts waving it around haphazardly.
"Jimmy's right," says Loraine. "Maybe we don't need T-shirts so bad."
"What about tatoos?" asks Potato.
"I think that's the same problem," Jimmy edges away from Roboctopus and the glinting kitchen knife. "Maybe we need to re-prioritize what this club is all about."
Roboctopus lunges at Jimmy and slashes his forhead with the knife. Jimmy screams and falls backwards, out of the clubhouse and tumbles to the ground below. Potato and Loraine lean over the edge and look down to see if their friend is all right.
"He's not moving..." says Potato.
"Oh God..." says Loraine. "We need to call an ambulance." Jimmy groans and rolls over, blood covering his face.
"Roboctopus!" the two un-broken children say in unison. The large half-robot, half-octopus shrugs his shoulder and re-hides the knife under the rug.
Tuesday, October 12
The cute rabbit says, "Maybe we should make a decision."
"No," says the gerbil cute. "I'm scared of decisions."
"Yes," all the other cutes agree. "No decisions. More pie and lemonade."
"All right," says the rabbit cute. "What about a game where we bite at each other's faces playfully, and everyone is a winner?"
They all cheer cheerfully for this idea, but still think they should have pie and lemonade first. Which they do.
But as soon as they are done with the lemonade and pie, big drunken Dinosaur Steve comes and kicks them all over the place.
His buddy Dinosaur Jim says, "Thanks, dude. Those things give me a headache."
Monday, October 11
So me and Handsome Actor made it to the party complex. We found the door wide open, and something we hadn't realized before, but now that awful jazz music had been turned off or broke or something. But it was silent. Completely.
Standing in the middle of the big center plaza, we see that most of all the alchohol in North America has been drunk, bottles of liqour and beer everywhere, and the big bonfire has long since burned out to nothing.
"Mr. Happy Puppet Head?" I call. No answer but my echo.
"Wait here," Handsome Actor tells me. "I'm going to run and see what's in that door over there." He opens it and it's a dark stairwell.
"Do you think it's a good idea to split up?" I ask. But he's already gone down the stairwell. I don't think it's a good idea to split up. That's what happens in horror movies, only the person being killed can usually run away and isn't all tied up like me. Hm.
So I wait and wait for a long time. I try sitting down, but I fall and get another mouthfull of dirt. I'm kind of getting used to that by now.
It seems like hours that I'm lying there on the ground. Finally I hear something. Laughing. Approaching me from another door on the other side of the plaza. Suddenly the three monsters burst out of the door with Mr. Happy Puppet Head following behind. He stares at the floor as they laugh and yell about something I don't understand.
"Mr. Happy Puppet Head!" I yell. "Mr. Happy Puppet Head, hey! Over here!" He looks up and kind of smiles. His eyes are all bloodshot and his fur is all matted and gross.
"Uh oh," says Marty the monster with the tentacles. "Look what we got here. Stupid cape guy. You look really good with dirt on your face and tied up, huh guys?" The other two monsters agreee.
(in case you forgot what the monsters look like)
All of a sudden there's lots of yelling and feet running towards us. The door where Handsome Actor went down flies open and all the celebrities who had been trapped in the basement come running out, brandishing big sticks and broken bottles. They all yell out terrifying war whoops and look really mad. They run straight for the three monsters and begin a big battle. The celbrities are fighting for their lives and freedom, so they're a force to be reckoned with, but the monsters are magic violin monsters and they flip around and beat up celebrities like nothing.
And in the middle of all the fighting and yelling I lie in the dirt and can't even stand up. Mr. Happy Puppet Head seems to be in a daze and hasn 't seemed to notice the battle.
"Hey Midnight." says Mr. Happy Puppet Head. "What's up?"
"You know... stuff." A child-actor lands on my leg, but it doesn't hurt since he's so small. He picks up a jagged piece of wood and runs off.
"Oh. That's good."
"Hey Mr. Happy Puppet Head?" I ask.
"Do you want to go back home with me and work on our tv show some more? I've got some ideas for new Educati-FUN videos. And other cartoons."
"I don't know..." he turns back to stare at the ground. "We're kind of in the middle of this party." The battle is definitely going in favor of the monsters. The celbrities have all either been badly wounded, tied up, or torn to little famous pieces by those horrible magic party monsters. The only reason they haven't given up yet is because Handsome Actor keeps rallying them, seemingly never running out of energy or ways to escape their deadly attacks.
"Come on," I say. "This party's done. What do you say? I'll pay for bus fare."
"I got a helicopter now."
"Oh. We can tkae that then if you want. I've never been in a helicopter."
"You guys can't leave now," says Marty with the tentacles. "Yeah," says the one with the claw face. "We still have more booze." All the celebrities have been vanquished. Even Handsome is tied up in the corner. It looks like he's crying silently, his tears collecting in a beautiful puddle in the dirt.
"They're right." Says Mr. Happy Puppet Head. "And drugs. We said we weren't gonna stop partying until all the booze and drugs in North America had been consumed by us. Sorry."
"Hey Mr. Happy Puppet Head," a though crosses my mind. "Do you still have that magic violin?"
"Yeah, how'd you know about that?" he takes it out from one of his secret puppet head pockets and waves it around a little.
"You know," I say. "I've been researching it for years now. I think i'm going to write a book about it or something."
"Oh. I didn't know that was this magic violin. That's pretty cool."
"Yeah. Can I see it?"
"Sure." He lays it down on my chest.
"Um," says Marty.
I roll over and the violin falls onto the dirt. I then smash it with the back of my head. I have to do it several times before it feels really smashed good. I turn over to examine it, and see that it now has a big Midnight Mailman head-sized hole in the center of it.
And my ropes fall off and I can move. It feels great. Oh boy. I stand up and flex my arms. I see many of the celebrities stand up, too.
"God dammit!" mutters Marty. "Shit..." says the four legged bird monster. "Well, I guess that's it." says Marty. "Party's over. Good job, dude. Later Puppet Head." And they walk away.
And the party is over. The party complex disappears with a nice shimmery visual effect, and all that's left is me, Mr. Happy Puppet Head, and a lot of bleeding celebrities in the middle of the desert.
Everything's going to be all right.
Saturday, October 9
"Hey," says Handsome Actor. "I found a cactus." We look over and he's got one of those round cacti.
"So what?" asks Non-Handsome Actor, "What can a thorny plant like that do for any of us except prick us? I don't want any, thanks."
"Hold on," I say. "I think Handsome is on to something."
Handsome Actor nods and slices off the top of the cactus with a machete he finds on the ground next to it. Inside is water. The delicious drinking kind of water. We all take turns, Handsome going last.
We all sit and bask in our newly quenched thirst. The sun beats down, but now we're all full of water and can't possibly spontaneously combust. No way. I'll just go ahead and check that off the list of things to be scared of for a little while.
So we resume walking. Or shuffling/hopping in my case. I miss the use of my limbs as independent from each other. Knees and hips, too. I never really appreciated them before now.
Non-Handsome actor begins telling us one of his stories about how he had sex with lots of pretty actresses. He goes on and on, his story machine well oiled from the refreshing water. It isn't an interesting story, really. And he goes into too much detail about how big the various girl's breasts are and what kinds of things he said to get them into bed. We listen politely and nod our heads and say "really?" at the appropriate times.
And then he falls into a pit. One of those hidden kinds that looks like the ground until you step on it and fall into it. And with spikes on the bottom. He lands on the spikes with his chest and stomach, but doesn't die right away. He screams a lot, and we look around for a way to pull him out and save him, but all we have is the rope tied around me and we can't untie it or we would have by now. So we stand there uncomfortably as he screams and screams.
Eventually he stops screaming and dies. Me and Handsome Actor stand there for a while waiting to make sure he is dead. Then Handsome says, "He... was pretty good in that one movie. Where he played the coke addict who was shot in the end. I think he won some award, or maybe he was just nominated. In any case, I'm glad I knew him."
"Amen," I say.
Now I have to add "falling into a hidden pit of spikes" on my list of things to be scared of. Shitty.
Thursday, October 7
We can hear the party jazz music from the distance. I can feel it vibrating the dirt under my feet.
"I'm thirsty..." says the pop singer. "We're all thirsty," says the actor guy. I wish I knew their names, but they're famous and I'm embarassed to ask since I feel like I should know. But the other actor, not the handsome one with the blue eyes.
And that's when the woman catches fire.
It takes her a while to notice that she's on fire. It's just so hot out here it's hard to tell sometimes when one's own flesh is actually on fire or just badly sunburnt. We don't even notice until all of her bautiful hair is burned completely off. The other actor guys says "Hey, I guess you're on fire. Huh." The poor singer girl, with all of her famous singing voice, starts screaming and screaming. She says "I'm on fire! Ow! Ow! Ow!"
The handsome blue-eyed actor rips off his tight muscle shirt and tries to bat the flames out with it. I fall over and wiggle around on the ground desperately.
Much sooner than I would have expected, the woman is burned into nothing, just a pile of dirt on the bigger pile of dirt that is the desert. The handsome actor helps me back to my feet, tears in his eyes.
"Wow." I say.
"Yeah, that's crazy," says the other actor. "I hope I don't catch fire and burn into a pile of dirt like that. Shit."
The handsome blue-eyed actor is too choked up to say anything. He just stands over the ashes and lets his eyes overflow with the pain. I'd pat him on the shoulder, but my arms are all tied up. "She was a great singer." I say. "And a good friend." He nods.
After another few minutes standing over her remains, we turn and somberly continue our journey.