Hopping along to the party compound, just me and the handsome actor and the not-so-handsome actor. We're getting closer and closer. I'm hot and tired and afraid I'll catch on fire, too.
"Hey," says Handsome Actor. "I found a cactus." We look over and he's got one of those round cacti.
"So what?" asks Non-Handsome Actor, "What can a thorny plant like that do for any of us except prick us? I don't want any, thanks."
"Hold on," I say. "I think Handsome is on to something."
Handsome Actor nods and slices off the top of the cactus with a machete he finds on the ground next to it. Inside is water. The delicious drinking kind of water. We all take turns, Handsome going last.
We all sit and bask in our newly quenched thirst. The sun beats down, but now we're all full of water and can't possibly spontaneously combust. No way. I'll just go ahead and check that off the list of things to be scared of for a little while.
So we resume walking. Or shuffling/hopping in my case. I miss the use of my limbs as independent from each other. Knees and hips, too. I never really appreciated them before now.
Non-Handsome actor begins telling us one of his stories about how he had sex with lots of pretty actresses. He goes on and on, his story machine well oiled from the refreshing water. It isn't an interesting story, really. And he goes into too much detail about how big the various girl's breasts are and what kinds of things he said to get them into bed. We listen politely and nod our heads and say "really?" at the appropriate times.
And then he falls into a pit. One of those hidden kinds that looks like the ground until you step on it and fall into it. And with spikes on the bottom. He lands on the spikes with his chest and stomach, but doesn't die right away. He screams a lot, and we look around for a way to pull him out and save him, but all we have is the rope tied around me and we can't untie it or we would have by now. So we stand there uncomfortably as he screams and screams.
Eventually he stops screaming and dies. Me and Handsome Actor stand there for a while waiting to make sure he is dead. Then Handsome says, "He... was pretty good in that one movie. Where he played the coke addict who was shot in the end. I think he won some award, or maybe he was just nominated. In any case, I'm glad I knew him."
"Amen," I say.
Now I have to add "falling into a hidden pit of spikes" on my list of things to be scared of. Shitty.