Friday, December 31

In the studio in front of an audience, we're going to do a little talk about the dangers of Time Traveling. We know you may have had The Big Talk before, maybe with your parents, maybe with one of your teachers, but you can never get too many of these Talks becuase Time Traveling is one of the most dangerous things there are.

"What's so dangerous about Time Traveling?" asks Mr. Happy Puppet Head. "I do it all the time." Our new sound effects girl Julie adds a really funny fart sound when he finishes his sentence. All the kids laugh.

"Time Traveling can be perfectly fun and safe, as long as you are fun and safe about it." I explain. Julie makes a funny honking sound. All the kids laugh. "The main thing to remember is that you can do lots and lots of things in the past that make you instantaneously not exhist anymore."

"Wait," Mr. Happy Puppet Head says. "Like my parents, they had two kids before me, but they were both accidents and they never really wanted to get married but had to. But then one day they were at the fair and drank some love potion as a joke, but then they actually did fall in love with each other for the first time." Julie adds some drum rolls. No one laughs, even though it is a good sound effect.

"So was the potion real, or was the power of suggestion strong enough to bring out their latent love for each other that had built up over the years of child-rearing?" I ask.

"I don't know," he answers. "All anyone knows is that they fell in love and later that night they had lots of 'baby-making fun', and so I was born." Another fart sound. This one gets some solid laughs.

"So, if they hadn't seen the sign for the love potion, real or not, they wouldn't have fallen in love for the first time and had you." I think for a moment while Julie puts in yet another fart sound. The kids love it every time. "So if you traveled back in time, got in the way of their seeing this sign, you wouldn't have been born. And unlike in those fake Time Traveling movies, you would disappear instantly. No time to fix the wrongs you've done. The only way to be saved is if someone else goes back and makes them fall in love. But I wouldn't know to go back because you'd never exhisted and we'd never been friends." Fart fart fart. Kids laugh.


"And that's why," I point my fingers dramatically, "That none of us have ever met a time traveler, becuase they eventually make a mistake and cause their own non-exhistance." Fart fart fart.

"Oh," Mr. Happy Puppet Head nods along with the now steady stream of fart sounds. He has to kind of shout to be heard over it. "I think I get it."

Fart fart fart fart fart fart fart. The kids are laughing so hard some of them are choking and having trouble breathing. Most of them are rolling around, falling out of their chairs.

"So be carefull, kids," I shout at them, but they aren't paying any attention anymore. "Kids! Don't time travel, okay? You'll stop exhisting!"

I turn to Mr. Happy Puppet Head. "That was pretty good, right?"

"Yeah, kind of like a subliminal thing. They heard us, but they weren't paying attention. And they were laughing, so they'll just connect not Time Traveling to funny fart sounds." He takes a swig from his hip flask.

"Oh, okay. That works."

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