Tuesday, December 7

An Educati-FUN Video!
Where Babies Come From

We are here with one of the two main components in the creation of new life. A giant sperm.

With only one half of what is needed, this wiggly giant needs to find an egg to fertilize. But it isn't always easy, especially since he's never done this before and doesn't even know what an egg looks like. That's why me and Mr. Happy Puppet Head are here to help.

We start at the park. Little kids are playing in the background, the sun is shining. Giant Sperm is looking around for his egg, but there are so many things that could be it. Something catches his eye and he slithers over to it.

Sorry, Sperm. That's an ice cream truck. No organic fertilization can occur with man-made automobiles. But it is filled with deliciousness.

We leave the park. Clearly no eggs in the park.

Sorry, that's a building.

And That's a pair of pants. That's a grapefruit... and that's a ballerina.

Finally we end up in the parking lot in front of the drug store. And there, taking up two handicap spots, is an egg.

Giant sperm gets real excited and wiggles frantically. He slithers forwards. The egg is cooing softly and glows just a little bit. It is beautiful. Giant Sperm rears back, bears his teeth, and sinks his teeth into the egg.

The egg lets out a high-pitched scream that hurts our ears. Some car windows surrounding us shatter. It tries to roll away but now it's lopsided and can't get over the speedbump behind it. Giant Sperm takes a few more bites out of Egg's perfectly smooth exterior before burrowing into the ragged gash it has created. Egg's scream becomes so high-pitched that we can no longer hear it at all, yet it overwhelms all other sound. In the center of this utter silence, Giant Sperm makes his way inside of Egg, and an intense white light shoots in all directions from them. We are completely blinded and have to look away.

And then it's over. We blink and for a few minutes all we can see are large black spots.

When it goes away we see a perfect little baby child lying in the middle of one of the handicapped parking spots, kicking its feet in the air and murmering quietly to itself.

A happy young attractive white hetrosexual middle-class couple exits the drug store. They stop when they see the baby and turn to each other. Serious Discussion ensues for a brief moment before they both put down their plastic bags full of one-hour processed photography and modestly priced hygene products to pick up their new child.

The woman-turned-mother hugs the child to her ample chest and the man-turned-father gently brushes bits of asphalt from his child's forehead.

And that's where babies come from.

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