Wednesday, November 10

Today's Lesson: Get Famous

Here's the thing, kids. Famous people can do anything they want. If the star of your favorite soap opera or situational comedy walks into your house uninvited, you'd say "Hot damn! You're _________! I love you!" Then you'd try to touch them. Normal people can not get away with this. Famous people can.

The star of your favorite soap opera or situational comedy could walk into your house uninvited, rummage through the fridge, and hang out on your couch watching TV all day and you wouldn't even complain. You'd say, "Can I get you more ice cream? I can run to the store if there's a flavor you'd rather have than the ones I have. Do you want a foot rub?"

Imagine how great that would be. Even if you have to politely ask the celebrity to leave later in the day so your husband won't get jealous or violent, he'll just go on to the next house, or the next. Once you're famous, all you'll have to do is a toothpaste commercial every year to keep your face recognizable to the general public, then you can just barge into any household in the world and take whatever you want. What are they gonna do? Tell you not to? Yeah right.

The world needs celebrities. We owe it to them, for keeping our world a happier place. For giving us pleasant and attractive faces to base our standards of desirability on. For making us feel like we have a rich and powerful friend out there who probably drives several nice cars, and if we ever bumped into them on the streets would probably give us a ride or maybe some money to get some tacos.

For all the cynisism and derision focused on the famous people in this world, fame is still the best thing there is. So kids, get famous. You'll like it.

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