Self-Defense is Good
Me and Mr. Happy Puppet Head are in the park. This is where most children need self-defense. They need to defend themselves from bullies, pedophiles, rabid dogs, and a variety of child-eating monsters. But what many don't know is that self-defense is more than important, it's really good, too.
So here's Jimmy. Hi Jimmy. We're going to be teaching you how to defend yourself today. Have you ever had to defend yourself before? No? well, you've been lucky.
First up we have Chad and Martha who are going to try to take your money. Yes, the money you had been saving for comic books. They also look like they'd really like to hurt you. Mabye break a few teeth. Notice how they are at least twice as old as you, and maybe three times as big. Completely capable of doing whatever they want to you. And don't think just because they're fat that they aren't much stronger than you.
So what you do first is locate some sort of weapon. Like a rock, or that big stick over there. Yes, it is heavy. So as they approach, try to hit one of them in the head. The best method is to look like you aren't going to do anything, then do something real quick. Now, go!
Oh, that's good. Look, Martha's bleeding. Right there on her neck. No, don't feel bad. Now they know you mean business, and they're going to have to get her stiched up before messing with you again.
But what about monsters? You might be surprised to learn this, but fake Karate is one of the most powerful forms of the martial arts. Especially against monsters. All you have to do is karate chop and karate kick like they do on TV. No problem.
Okay, so you lost some fingers. But you're alive and the monster's running away. You'll probably live to lose a lot more fingers with badass moves like that. Good job.
So kids, politicians and teachers will tell you that violence is bad, but they're wrong. If Killer Whales didn't use violence to eat the cute Penguins, how would we have Killer Whales to entertain us at Aquatically-Themed Adventure Parks? If George Washington didn't use violence to slaughter all of the Indians, how would your favorite late-night Naked Movies exhist?
They wouldn't. So defend yourself, and defend what you love. Kick and punch blindly, and eventually you'll hit something worth hitting. We believe in you.