Sunday, May 9


I come home from the store. I had to buy eggs, pickles, bread, one of those really big jars of mayonaise, thirty feet of razor wire, and a new toothbrush. We were running a bit low on supplies.

Mr. Happy Puppet Head? Where are you? Hello?

I walk into the kitchen and drop the groceries on the floor, shattering the jar of mayonaise. From the ceiling hangs one half of Mr. Happy Puppet Head's handlebar mustache. It's carefully hung on a piece of string at about eye level.

Mr. Happy Puppet Head? Are you here?

There's a note attatched. I didn't notice that before.

Dear Midnight Creepface,
we kidnapped your friend. you'll have to meet our demands or we'll cut off the other handlebar. and maybe kill him, too. but make sure to meet our demands. then you can have him back.
our demands are that you quit being such an asshole all the time. for serious, we really fucking hate your guts a lot.

The note is written on what looks like part of a brown paper bag. the handwriting is unfamiliar, all scribbly with crayons. I have no idea who did this. How does one stop being an asshole in such a way to have a kidnapped friend released?

But I see a trail of red fur on the ground. Mr. Happy Puppet Head's defense mechanism is shedding.

So I follow the trail.

I get halfway down the block when I'm stopped by this really big muscle guy. He's all fists and poking fingers. It's Charlie, the guy I challenged to a duel yesterday. Funny story.

So I got trapped in this elevator with this girl for several hours and it turned out she was pregnant and I had to deliver her baby and I fell in love with her, but the father of the baby is this tyrant who makes her ride elevators day in and day out. Some sort of fetish or something. Turns out she had stopped the elevator on purpose thinking I would be a good stranger to deliver her child. Must have been the cape. Or maybe the goggles. So I challenge her husband, Charlie, to a duel. I called him all sorts of names. Turns out he was listening by hidden microphone. He tried to duel me as soon as the elevator got unstuck. He was wating in the lobby. But I ran away. I didn't want to die with baby goo all over me.

So now he's here in my way as I'm trying to save my best friend. I put up my fists. I've never been in a fight before.

But just then a car zooms by and crashes into this parked car and the car that was chasing it flips over in the air and explodes. Fire and shrapnel fly everywhere. I take a large piece of metal to the head.

When I wake up I can't remember anything. I'm lying on the concrete staring up at the sky. My head hurts. Where am I? AMNESIA. A long limo pulls up. A woman jumps out of the back door. She's wearing a tight red dress. She looks mysterious. She pulls me into the car, and the driver gets out and drags the big muscle guy passed out on the sidewalk into the car with us.

Sitting in the seat accross from me in the dark limo is an amiable-looking severed head. The woman in red smiles at me mysteriously as she strokes the freckled head lovingly.

Will I remember who I am? Will I save Mr. Happy Puppet Head? What about my duel with Charlie the muscle guy and my un-requited love for the mother of his child? Why the car explosions? Why the woman in the red dress? Why did I buy thirty feet of razor wire from the supermarket?

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