We haven't planned anything for the show today. Me and Mr. Happy Puppet Head got lost last night on the way home. It was scary. Kids, if you ever accidentally find yourself in a poor black neighborhood, make sure you look straight ahead and check to make sure your doors are locked, but only out of the corner of your eyes. If they aren't, act like you're just putting your arm up on the door to rest, but push the lock down with your elbow.
That's my philosophy. Mr. Happy Puppet Head prefers the method in which you roll down your window at stoplights and yell racial epithets at passing citizens. Then when they get all close to your car, spit on them. Puppet spit is really gross, too. There were several near brawls, but the light always turned green before anything got too violent.
That is why Mr. Happy Puppet Head has a black eye and is missing one of his front teeth. We've got a dentists appointment later to get that fixed.
And now we've got nothing to entertain you children with.
How about some jokes?
How do you get a nun pregnant? No... I've used that one before.
... now's a good time to change the channel. I think I'm just going to go take a nap. For the rest of the show we'll be cutting back and forth between me taking a nap and Mr. Happy Puppet Head smoking cigarettes.