I was a little sad today, children. Not for any specific reason, really. My life is good overall, but today I just felt deflated. I'm lonely and masturbate too much, and I really wish I could move to an apartment more centrally located, but I can't because I don't have money. So I was a little down.
Until I went home, took some drugs, and watched cartoons on the television. I've felt so much better since then.
So when you grow up and have to go to Health class in school, they'll tell you all sorts of mumbo-jumbo about not watching too much television and not doing drugs, but IGNORE THEM. Trust me. They'll say that drugs will rot your mind and you'll end up slicing your chest up to watch your guts as you jump off a building because you think you're Superman. No. The truth is that drugs make cartoons funnier. But not only cartoons, you yourself will become a pinale of hilarity, delighting all around you with your pithy witticisms. It's incredible the things modern drugs can do for you. You will decipher new meanings in common household objects and understand the world in a much deeper way than anyone else before you could possibly ever have done.
Which way to the presidential candidate that's in favor of more drugs and cartoons? That's who I'm voting for.