Tuesday, July 6

This is the kind of bird that knows exactly what you want for your birthday. He makes a point of telling you that he will purchase this thing that you want. He will hand you a wrapped present on your birthday, and you will naturally assume it is the thing that you wanted. But you will be wrong. Instead, inside the box are a lot of illegal substances, like nuclear waste in old mayonaise jars and seisure medication stolen from an important diplomat. You thank the bird, and you go your separate ways. There will be one more awkward phone call several months from your birthday, just for you two to check on how the other is doing. After this, you will never speak again.

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