Friday, July 23

James is a big fat guy who is having problems at the moment. His girlfriend gets home in twenty minutes, and he's made a mess of her ancient Egyptian mummy. James doesn't have a job, so most of his days are spent sitting around his girlfriend's apartment. She's an archeologist and has a lot of ancient things around her apartment. This afternoon James was pretending the a mummy was cooking him a burrito. He stood it up next to the oven and taped a spatula to its hand. It looked really funny. So he went to go get a camera to take pictures of it, but he couldn't find it. Then he got distracted and read yesterday's comics, watched some tv, took a nap, and by the time he got back to the kitchen, the ancient Egyptian mummy had been on fire for some time. All that is left are stumps of legs below the knee and a lot of ancient mummy ashes.

So James is cleaning up the ashes. Not only is he irrisponsible with other people's priceless relics, he's also terrible at cleaning. He just keeps spreading the dust around with the dishtowel in a paniced sort of way, whimpering and whining and checking the clock every few moments. His first thought about the legs is to flush them down the toilet, but last time he tried that with some dinosaur bones and it really messed up the plumbing. He got in some big trouble for that one.

So James throws the legs out of the second-story window, but not before he has to cut a hole in the screen. He starts filling up a bucket with the ashes and dumping them out of the window, too.

Ten minutes later there are almost no more ashes left. He'll tell her that there never was a mummy and that it was probably all a dream. She'll be disappointed, he knows, because that ancient Egyptian mummy was probably going to make her famous. At least in the scientific community. And James isn't sure he wanted a semi-famous girlfriend. She'd probably just dump him for someone not so fat and careless with all of her priceless relics.

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