Wednesday, March 30

part FIVE of Fairy Infestation story.
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So we're standing off all aggressive-stlye. Me on one side of Fairy Land, Bermuda and Steve on the other. The desk falls past me to my left in its endless loop, the chair following soon after. Mr. Happy Puppet Head watches impatiently a little ways away.

"Oh, dammit!" says Steve, looking at his wrist where a watch could be but isn't. "We're missing our show." They reach out over the ledge and grab the desk. As it hangs over the edge of Blue Oblivion, they open the biggest drawer and pull out a small television set, then let the desk continue it's fall. They plug the TV into Fairy Land and turn it on to Mr. Happy Puppet Head's soap opera.

Mr. Happy Puppet Head releases his tension in one large exhalation of breath. "Well all right," he says and settles in next to Bermuda and Steve.



As fake people argue about fake things on the TV, I watch as the desk falls past me again and again. I reach out and grab one of the papers as it flutters by. It's what Steve had been working so frantically on just a few minutes ago. Proving Algebra wrong.

"6 + 5 = NO." says the paper. "6 + 8 = NO. 8 + 9 = NO. 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 = NO." And on and on.

How do I win back Fairy Land for the Fairies? Bermuda and Steve are so big and naked.

A magic portal opens in front of me. A fog of Fairies stare back at me from my basement.

"What's going on?" asks one of the Fairies. "Why are you sitting? Destroy them. Like you killed so many of us and our loved ones. You're a monster. Go."

"I am not," I say. "That was an accident. And look how big they are. I can't stomp them."

"That's why we gave you Fairy Powers, moron," another one says. "Go blast them."

"Maybe you guys should look for a new homeland. This place is kind of small, anyways."

They look at me with their Serious Fairy Faces and point with their Serious Fairy Fingers at Bermuda and Steve.

"Fine, but let them finish their show." I don't want Mr. Happy Puppet Head even more mad at me. The Fairies nod their Serious Fairy Heads and close the Portal.

After what seems like forever, their show ends. Mr. Happy Puppet Head bobbles over. "Hey, can we go?" Bermuda and Steve are held with rapt attention to the TV. "I don't like this show."

I stand up. As I do, I notice that Fairy Land wobbles a little. I bounce up and down and Fairy Land bounes up and down, too. Like on a pivot.

"Hey, jerkface!" yells Steve. "Knock it off."

I don't knock it off. Not at all. I jump up really high and come down on the edge of Fairy Land, flipping it completely over. Me, Bermuda, and Steve all go spinning off the small patch of Land, waving our arms and kicking wildly. Mr. Happy Puppet Head steps a ways back just in time for the TV to not smash into him.

I gesture and open a Magic Portal for Bermuda and Steve to fall into. But somehow they miss it. I open up another while passing the still spinning Fairy Land.

More and more Magic Portals. Everywhere to everywhere. The Arctic, beaches, mountains, college campuses, but somehow they manage to wiggle and writhe out of the way. The TV falls through into some prehistoric era, and the chair falls into a taping of a Documentary Movie in China.

"You jerkface!" they yell at me. "Look what you did to our office!"

I look and fall into a Magic Portal, and then face down onto a Grocery Store floor.

"This milk had a less price in the display case," the old lady tells the clerk.

"I'll do a check price on it," says the clerk.

I Magic Portal my way back to Fairy Land where Bermuda and Steve have managed to grab onto the spinning piece of Land and hold on tight. A Portal going to a loud Rock Concert sits directly below them.

As I fall past, I gesture at Fairy Land and turn it into a gummy worm. Sour. Bermuda and Steve fall into the Portal.

I close all the portals.

Now the only way I can tell I'm falling is from the wind. And Mr. Happy Puppet Head. I watch him eat the sour gummy worm as I fall past.

I open a Portal to our bedroom and fall into my bed. I crawl under the covers and wrap myself into a tight, Fiary-Proof cocoon. After a long time, I fall asleep.

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