Thursday, July 21

There is a small town in the heart of the mid-Western United States. Like Montana or Kansas.

A small child sits in front of her parents house playing with a large red rubber ball. She bounces it on the pavement and it hits a rock, causing it to bounce askew. The little girl chases it as it rolls into the middle of the road just as a large tanker truck barrels towards her. The large tanker trunk swerves violently in an attempt to save the girl and careens into the award winning largest herd of cattle in North America. The truck flips over and spills it's flammable liquids all over the cowsbefore it explodes. The cows are quickly transformed into a mile-in-diameter mass of on-fire stampede.

"Do you hear that?" James asks the woman standing in front of him.

"It smells like beef," Maura replies as she scribbles in her check book.

"Yeah, it does..." The flaming heard of cattle crashes into the "Banco de Nuestro Communidad" downtown branch. The manager yells for everyone to get into the money safe, and everyone hurries in. James and Maura sit on opposite sides of the vault and steal glances at each other occasionally. When they come back out the bank is completely demolished, along with about a fourth of the town surrounding it. Everything is stomped and burned into rubble.

"Wow," says James.

"Yeah," says Maura. "Look at that."

A week later the Nuclear Power Plant in the town next door has a meltdown. The toxic cloud rolls over the neighboring town and instantly kills everyone that lives there. Lots of yelling and crying for about an hour, then silence. The cloud rolls over our small town, but nothing seems to happen. Everyone appears to be fine.

It isn't until weeks later that anyone realizes that all the children in the town have developed murderous psychic abilities. They float through the town like a pack of wild dogs--a pack of wild dogs that owns a small mid-Western town. When they see an adult, they use their powers to pull all the adult's insides out through their nostrils.

Eventually, after lots of adults are turned inside out, someone figures out that if you play Vivaldi, the kids fall asleep. The adults find a way to blare Vivaldi all through the town, so the kids fall deeply asleep. The adults organize themselves, find all the sleeping children, and chop their heads off.

"Hey, don't I know you?" asks Maura as she wipes her bloody machete off on her tank top.

"Maybe," replies James. "The bank? Was it at the bank during--"

"The Stampede!" interrupts Maura. "Yeah."

"Cool," says James. "I should probably get back with my group."

"Yeah, me too."



"A great wind approaches!" howled the leader of the psychic murder kids, moments before his death. "Lazers and vampires!" And he wasn't kidding. The next day, as soon as the whole psychic kid thing is taken care of, whordes of tornadoes descend on the small, unlucky town. Everyone retreats to their basements, until they realize that these tornadoes shoot lazers and are being ridden by five-headed vampires. Retreating to their basements is exactly what the tornado-riding vampires want them to do.

"Watch out!" yells Maura. James watches out just in time to avoid being tornadoed.

"Thanks," says James. "I've been meaning to-- watch out!" James tackles Maura and they both barely avoid being lazered.

"What were you meaning to do?" asks Maura as they lie side-by-side in a ditch by the side of the road.

"I just keep seeing you a lot lately, it seems, you know, maybe I could pick you up sometime and we could go out?"

Before Maura can answer, one of those five-headed vampires appears next to the ditch. They run and get separated.

The tornadoes are defeated by the enormous flood. Water quickly rises up from the ground and devours both the tornadoes and the vampires, as well as the rest of the town.

James sits on the roof of his apartment constructing a crude boat out of what's left of the building. Maura floats by on her makeshift raft.

"Are you building a boat?" she asks.

"Hey!" replies James. "Yeah, it's a boat. I figure, you know, I might as well make a boat."

"Yeah, me too." She checks her watch. "You need any help? I made some sandwiches."

"Of course," says Steve. He checks his watch. His watch is broken. "My name's James."

"Maura. My name's Maura."

They both nod and smile awkwardly. Before too long there isn't a roof to sit on anymore, and James has to crawl into Maura's little raft.

The rest of the day is spent telling each other about themselves and floating around the aquarium the world has become. James learns that Maura's best friend is her sister Rachel, and Maura learns that James studied Economics in college, but he teaches kindergarten.

The following morning they see the whales. Enormous mammoths of creatures, catapulting themselves out of the ocean and crashing violently into each other. They do this again and again. Whale corpses float to the surface.

It is a Whale War.

It lasts weeks.

James and Maura lay on their backs in their sinking raft as they hold each other tightly. The last sandwich was eaten two days ago, and only small ammounts of dew have been aquired for water. Not nearly enough.

"I have something to tell you, James," croaks Maura.

James nods weakly.

"I'm in love with you," she says.


"Aren't you in love with me? I thought... I know I am. Deeply."

"I don't know, it's... that's really great, though." James coughs roughly.

"Oh," she says and rolls over, facing the other direction. A whale flips up out of the water just as another flips out, and whacks the other whale firmly with it's tail.

Two days later they are almost dead, drained of energy, when their raft hits land. They look up and realize that the water has receded and the world has returned to normal. The Eiffel tower stands proudly before them.

"We're in Paris," whispers James.

"Hot damn," moans Maura. "Lets get baggettes."

But there are no baggettes left in France. There is nothing left in France except the Eiffel Tower. They have to eat parts of a dead whale they find. It isn't any good, but they hold hands while they eat.

At their wedding the priest becomes possesed and all his body parts spin around. They smile becasue it's fitting and reminds them of the old days, but refuse to pay him for his services.

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