Tuesday, August 16
"Hey! Stop stealing that kid!" yells Mr. Happy Puppet Head as he waves his 2X4 with a nail in it. The kidnapper stops in his tracks.
"I didn't think you'd ever figure it out... I thought... my Empire..." he moans.
"I'll shoot you with my laser gun!" I tell him, pulling out my laser gun. I have one in this episode. "I'll shoot you into melted!"
Mr. Happy Puppet Head shakes his head at me and I put it away. But not before I shrug my shoulders indicating, "Like, okay, but I don't think it's a good idea to put the laser gun away just yet."
"Just put the kid down and we can talk," says Mr. Happy Puppet Head. "Look, I'm putting my 2X4 with a nail in it on the ground. See? Now we can talk like we're at a party. A fun party and not a horrifying stand-off."
"Okay," agrees the man. "What are we going to talk about?"
"I'd like to know where you put the rest of those stolen kids, you sicko!" I take a step forwards to slap him on the back of his big head, but Mr. Happy Puppet Head intervenes.
"Just let me do this, okay?" he whispers, teeth clenched. I quickly acquiesce. You can't deny this guy knows hostage negotiation.
One week later all the stolen kids are returned to their parents and everyone celebrates us. It turns out the guy who owns the Enchilada Pasta company had amassed a large disposable workforce to manufacture his delicious canned pasta that tastes like Mexican food. Thanks to our exciting investigation, he'll be on the sad side of a jail cell for a long time.
"It's the Midnight Mailman and Mr. Happy Puppet Head!" everyone screams when we walk into the supermarket. They all ask us questions about how we managed to get across that bridge and how exactly we escaped those dinosaurs. There are too many questions to answer any of them. We push our way through our admirers to the canned food aisle. But something is wrong--there are no more Enchilada Pasta cans left on the shelf. They have the storebrand, but we don't like it as much.
it suddenly dawns on us that Kidnapped Child Labor may be the only cost-effective way to manufacture Enchilada Pasta.
We buy the storebrand. It tastes almost exactly the same, but it just isn't as fun without that cartoon mascot printed on the can. And sometimes they had games under the label.