Thursday, January 13

In the studio where The Midnight Mailman Show is taped, we had a janitor named Eugene. Me and Mr. Happy Puppet Head were always friendly with him. We'd say in unison, "Hey there, Eugene. You sure have a great janitor name. If you were maybe named Fantasmo or Horatio, no one would know you were a janitor at all." All three of us would laugh, because Eugene was the type of janitor who was an old friendly guy who'd seen everything. He thought cleaning up vommit and melted children was funny. We did, too. Still do.

But we don't know if he still thinks so, becuase now he's gone.

Mr. Happy Puppet Head had been working on a project in his dressing room. He'd found this hot-looking manequin girl and wanted to make her come to life. Being the smart floating puppet-friend he is, he mixed just the right amount of Amino Acids, Chemical Flakes, and Electricity, and brought that hot-looking manequin to life. He named her Deborah LaGrange LaRou. And they danced around and licked each other's faces.

But Deborah didn't want to come home with Mr. Happy Puppet Head at the end of the night. "The studio is my home," she said. "This is where our magic happens. Let's not ruin it."

So they aggreed, parting with tears and saliva-kisses. Deborah curled up in a corner and fell asleep.

The next morning Eugene came to work, chuckling over something the morning radio dj had said, and woke Deborah up.

"Hello, Eugene, old friend," she said as she smiled, rubbing her hot-manequin sleepy eyes. "Now I'm alive."

Eugene had been making out with hot-manequin Deborah for so long, wishing she had been a real girl as he fondled her plastic parts that his wish had built up so much that it's realization was simply too much. He collapsed with heart attack.

He didn't die, but in the hospital, holding my hand for support, he said "Midnight, I can't do it. What if she's not the girl I'd hoped she would be if she ever came alive? What if she disappoints? I just can't do it."

"She's my hot-manequin come alive, Eugene," Mr. Happy Puppet Head said. "You can't have her anyways."

"That's fine, too," he said. "But either way I quit."

So we'll miss you Eugene. It's going to be totally lame having to clean all this shit up from now on. Sure, you all say we should just make Deborah do it, but she's kind of mean sometimes.


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