Begin BASEMENT CLOWNS
“There’s a Clown in the basement,” says Child, cute as a button.
“There’s no Clown in the basement,” says Father.
“Never Clowns in the basement,” says Mother.
“There is! Just look.”
“Fine, we’ll look,” say Parents in unison.
In the basement there is no single Clown, there is an entire troupe of Clowns, dancing and laughing.
They are juggling big clunky things.
“Why are there Clowns in the basement?” asks Father.
“I told you,” says Child.
“What are they juggling?” asks Mother. They squint in the darkness.
It takes a moment before they realize that the Clowns are juggling arms and legs. Mother and father look down to find that their arms and legs are missing.
And Child is dead. Dead by Clowns.
“Give us back our arms and Child’s Life!” yells Father.
“And our legs, but especially our Child’s Life!” yells Mother.
The Clowns disappear. They are Magic Clowns. They leave the arms and legs, but take the Life.
Father and Mother try very hard to put their limbs back on, but re-attaching limbs when one has no limbs is incredibly difficult. They learn a poignant lesson about something Deep and Abstract.
Begin THE SEQUEL, BASMENT CLOWNS THE REVENGE
Father and Mother have their arms and legs crudely sewn on. It is a Mystery as to exactly how it was done.
They walk into the office of the Magic Clowns. One of them is on the phone.
“Excuse us,” says Father.
“Excuse us,” says Mother in her serious voice. “Now.”
The Clown On The Phone throws the phone out the window and floats in the air. “Please state your business,” Clown says in a Scary Voice.
“We’ve come for our Child’s Life,” say the Parents in unison.
“Down the hall, second-to-last door on the left.”
Behind the door the Parents find box after box of stolen Children’s Lives. It takes hours to sort through all of them, but eventually they find theirs and the Family is reunited.
They go on a picnic and learn something Charming and Interesting.
Begin REVIEW OF SEQUEL
Clunky and Unnecessary.
Begin THE TELEVESION SITCOM SPIN-OFF
“Hey Basement Clown Friends, try to keep it quiet tonight,” says Sexy Teenage Boy in Fashionable Clothing. “I’m having a girl over.”
The Clowns laugh hysterically as they Vomit Blood. (cue LAUGH TRACK, MILD)
“Seriously guys. Let’s be serious for just a second, okay?” The Clowns transform into a Sobbing Little Girl with a Razor Blade. She begins screaming and slashing at her face. Sexy Teenage Boy puts his hands on his hips and cocks his head to one side.
The Sobbing Girl stops screaming and slashing and looks up at Sexy Teenage Boy. She smiles and turns back into the Basement Clowns. They shrug their shoulders and smile as if to say “Well, you can’t blame us for trying.” Nothing is learned.
(cue LAUGH TRACK, HILARIOUS)
(go to COMMERCIAL)