A POEM
***********

The girl was standing
next to the exit.
She was very pretty,
And he wanted to kiss her.
So he approached her,
Told her his name,
And kissed her.
She immediately turned
Into an Ice Woman
And his lips got stuck
To her face.

a puzzle... FOR PRIZES!
********

a brianteaser if you will.

I'll take a regular sentence and mix up all the words, and you, the fun-seeking audience, can try to find out what the sentence originally said. Here we go.

"new bucket me urine you matter take can't away I no carpeting what say celebrities about urine a it full from you visiting and have of and."

First one to solve the puzzle correctly gets a t-shirt. It'll be a bad-ass shirt, too.

Thje fitire is a magical place where flying cars and psliling are all the rage.

i can't p;lay guiar and i can't play the fr3nch horh, but people still love me nayways.

i'm awkward and shy and am adicted to my creative outlets.

i don't have to type rpoberly. anyone who hapdp s aproblem withe me jsut khitting the kiebyord speak now or don't.

and id'm sober, but just dont ecjare about typfging rithg nw. tkae that internet.

It's the end of the show, and we've all had a wonderful time. Haven't we Mr. Happy Puppet Head? Yeah, it was great.

But now it's time to turn off the tv, brush your teeth, and go to bed. But first I'd like to talk to you about something important. Just a little advice.

Don't ever get adicted to anything. It is the worst thing in the world. I once had a friend who was addicted to something, and his eyes melted. He couldn't even cry over the loss of his eyesight. I had another friend who did drugs, and she got the disease where she grew lots of arms and legs and they beat her up all the time. You don't want that, kids. Trust me.

So your best bet is to not ever do anything unless it is condoned by our public school system. They know best. For easy reference, look in your Health book. The stylishly dressed kids from the mid-eighties will never let you down.

So don't do any sort of drug unless it modifies your behavior in ways appropriate for a school environment, don't ingest anything unless it's manufactured by either Coca Cola or Pepi, and never go to parties, only study sessions (the for real kind) and promptly leave when you feel that you have adequately prepared yourself for your test or quiz. Don't smoke anything of any kind. Just to be safe, keep inhaling to a minimal.

And don't listen to your friends when they tell you that you aren't living life to it's fullest. Not doing drugs and getting good grades are the most important things there are.

Goodnight, kids. And watch out.

Today's show will be happy and pretty.

Like maybe some group hugging and some trust falls. How about I show you how to make friendship bracelets? We've got some neon shoelaces we could use... and we could play Scrabble. I'm real good at that. We could sing along to some cd's, I've got some good music out in my car, and dance a little.

Hey, Mr. Happy Puppet Head, go boil some water. We'll have hot chocolate and herbal tea.

And bring out my pajamas. The good ones, we're on air.

Maybe I'll start everything off with a story? A nice happy pretty one.

**************
A STORY!

"The Happy Tea Party Picnic with the Cute Fuzzy Things"

Everything was going so splendidly. Spencer Fuzzy Thing was at the Tea Party Picnic with all of his best friends and it was sunny and Linda Fuzzy Thing had made the best sandwiches and soup and fruit tea Spencer thinks he'd ever had.

"Hey, Linda," said Spencer. "Thank you so much for the lovely picnic. This is really great."

"Yeah," aggreed Addelbert Fuzzy Thing. "Really great."

"Oh, thanks guys." Linda blushed. "It wasn't really anything. Ace helped."

"Hey, where is Ace?" Spencer asked. They all looked around, and just at that moment Ace jumped down out of the tree with his arms full of fresh apples!

"I got apples!" he yelled.

"Yay!" Everyone really liked apples, and was glad Ace Fuzzy Thing had brought them some.

They all had a lovely time that day, eating apples and sitting in the sun. Later on Spencer and Linda went off into the tall grass and kissed. She showed him her cute fuzzy breasts, and he showed her his cute fuzzy testicles, and they giggled. Addelbert Fuzzy Thing watched them from where they couldn't see him, and he giggled, too.

The End.
***********************

It's going to be a great show, kids. I just know it.

A CARTOON!
**************

The small child is tied to the log outside. The crazy guy with the ski mask holds a large kitchen knife over him in a threatening kind of way.

"I will cut your face," the man says.

"No, please don't cut my face," says the child.

"Okay, I won't... just kidding!" The man leans down and cuts off the boy's nose.

"Ow!" yells the boy. "Ow ow ow!"

The End.
******************************

Now kids, what you just saw was violence. Violence is only bad when in real life, and not in cartoons. If the man had fondled the boy's genetalia, we'd have had to censor it. Pedophelia is never acceptable, not even in cartoons.

Today we have a special guest, kids. It's Mr. Criminal, and he's going to teach us all how to be a little safer in our daily lives.

Hello, Mr. Criminal. Tell us a little about crime and safety.

Oh, I'm sorry kids, I know it's a little hard to understand Mr. Criminal, he does tend to mumble and stare at his feet while talking. He says that crime is the worst thing in the world and to stay away from people who do crime. They are very different from you, and you will have nothing nice to talk about. It'll be awkward--you and the criminal--So stay away.

Truly insightfull, yes. Does the light scare you? You know, the one lamp that people leave on when they go out at night. The lamp to scare all the badguys away. Does it actually scare you, or is that just a myth?

He says it does actually scare them, children, and that despite all the scars and chains and black leather clothing, criminals are all big sissies inside. All it takes is for one lamp to be left on in a dark house and they won't go near it.

What about murdering? How does one avoid it?

What's that? That last bit? oh... okay. He says that the best way to avoid being murdered is to live in a big house in a rich neighborhood. Buy the most expensive things
you can and invite your friends over to look at them. Buy guns and shoot things often. You should shoot anything that looks as if it might murder.

Oh, and he also says that eating sugar, watching too much television, picking your nose, or thinking dirty thoughts about girls will get you murdered sure thing.

I have one last question, Mr. Criminal. Being a badguy yourself, what do you suggest we do to rid the world of your horrilbe lot?

Oh, calm down there Mr. Criminal, no need to begin yelling so inarticulately. Yes, calm down. I can't even understand you.

Okay, he says that all the badguys need to be tricked into a big football field or something. Possibly tricked with the promise of easy rape victims or free instructional classs on credit card fraud. They then need to be poisoned, chopped into pieces, and defecated upon without the consent of any sort of judicial system. He's a badguy himself, so he knows best.

Let's all give him a hand. Thanks Mr. Criminal. Say Mr. Happy Puppet Head, isn't it good to learn that badguys are so easily classified and dealt with? And kids, his whole football field/mass murder proposal really sounded like a good idea, right? So write your congressman, because that's the only way to change anything these days.

A CARTOON!
Arpit and Bloodbath in
"Foot Stomping Day"
*****************


Arpit and Bloodbath are hanging out in front of their apartment. Today is Foot Stomping Day, and Arpit is having a great time stomping his feet.



Along comes a giant slug monster. "Hey guys," he says. "What's up?"
Arpit wishes him a happy Foot Stomping Day. The monster says he is far too tired to stomp anything, as he has just spent the entire day kidnapping children.
Arpit agrees that kidnapping children can make one tired.
"You guys don't have a problem with kidnapping and eating children do you?" the monster asks.
"No way, man," Arpit replies. "You can do whatever crazy things you want, and it's alright with us."
"Are you calling me crazy?"
"No, I'm--"
"Do you have a problem with the way I live?"
"I don't know what you're getting on about, buddy, but today is Foot Stomping Day, and we shouldn't be--" At this point the monster picks Arpit up and shoves him into his mouth.



Arpit wiggles around in the monster's mouth for a moment. Bloodbath watches on, interested, but not too interested.

After a moment, the monster's eyes get real wide and he spits Arpit out. Arpit is holding onto what looks like one of the monster's internal organs!


"OW! OW! OW! Give it back! Quick! OW! OW! OW!" howls the monster.

Arpit tosses the throbbing lump of flesh back into the slug's mouth. It blinks furiously for a moment before wiggling away.


In his distress, the monster has forgotten his hard-earned children. All the more friends for Arpit to stomp feet with.
"Hey kids!" Arpit throws his hands into the air. "Happy Foot Stomping Day!"

The End.

New Performance Art
*****************

I stand among eleven body doubles of myself. they all look very similar to me, wearing thick layers of latex makeup. As well as the goggles and the black cape and large rubber boots. We all stare vacantly towards the ceiling.

Mr. Happy Puppet Head rolls out a giant cake. A green cake with lots of frosting and some loud booming orchestra music begins blasting from the wall of speakers behind us.

Me and the body doubles begin devouring the cake, punching and clawing at each other in an effort to get at the cake.

After only a moment, the cake is gone. Our identical faces covered in green frosting, we collapse on the floor, some unconsious, some simply no longer able to stand. We groan, and the orchestra booms on, getting louder and louder until the speakers begin cracking and smoking and breaking. They explode, pieces of amplifier shrapnel plunging into the soft flesh of the children in the audience. They cry. I and my duplicates begin vommiting violently, our bodies curled into painful fetal positions in a small pool of bile and large chunks of cake.

We cut to a educational documentary in which some teenagers have sex and instantaneously melt from the STDs incurred.

I want springtime so badly. so bad it hurts. i've tried appreciating the cold, the silence, the grey, the darkness, all of which have their own particular beauties. but i'm done with it. i just want to run around mostly naked/fully naked and have lots of sunshine and sweat and swimming and sunny day drunkeness.

that's all.