I declare this week BOWTIE WEEK.

Wear your bowties all week. Wear them proud. They make your neck and uper chest look nice.

People look at you differently when you wear one. And if they don't normally look at you, now they will. The beauty of the bowtie is that it is so rarely taken advantage of in this society. The common assumption is that they are only worn by "nerds" or "people with horrifying secrets written on their adams apple," and this is patently untrue. So wear your bowties and be better than everyone else! At least fashion-wise. And as we all know, the first step to success--and getting some tail--is looking better than your tail-seeking competitors.

BOWTIES. For serious.

"Ugly is the new retarded."

~Kevin-friend, rockin' photographer/graphic designer of www.kevinbyrd.com. check him out.

i'm self-centered but not egotistical.

attractive but kind of funny looking.

most the times happy, but always worried.

i get infatuated with people. excited about small things. i love writing and working on creative stuff, but i feel like i'd be so much happier playing outside in the woods instead of on the computer.

tonight i needed some outside time. so i strapped on my big rubber playing-outside boots and headed out into the front yard. i played drums on the big green electric box. it hummed nicely along with my banging, and i could push on the streetlight to make it click against a tree. it was choice. i also stomped around in the street in front of my house. big rubber boots are really good to stomp around in.

winter is strange. it has a smell, but it's hard to put a finger on specifically what it is. i sat in some pine needles for a while as i drummed. it's a sticky sweet smell, but you have to get right up close to smell it. the wind blowing through empty branches is the only sound, and that's almost the sound of nothing.

the outside alone time at night is one of my favorite things. sitting on the log next to my house watching the moon or hiding in the shaddows behind a tree while it's raining. i'm excited about spring when everything is noisy and pungent, but all this emptiness is nice. sort of like being in outer space. only with gravity, and air, and the ability to go back into my nice warm house and build giant paper mache replicas of myself.

I invite the kids down onto the stage. All of them. Yay! We're going to dance.

I have the puppet band start ripping away on some awesome heavy metal tune, and me and the kids just start jumping up and down and yelling and making faces at the cameras.

And this is most of the show i have planned today. The jumping and the dancing. I get really into it and play air guitar and kick my legs and have to take my cape off because it gets so hot. And i sweat.

But I do have some segments interspersed here and there for dramatic effect. I do an evocative interview with a girl who is pregnant with her boyfriend who is a tentacled mutant. Her parents kicked her out of the house and she is living under the bridge with him and his freakish family. She is determined to have the baby, and she is planning on marrying her boyfriend next month. She's all dirty and her clothes are kind of ripped. She admits she's hungry a lot of the time, but she believes it's for the best.

I end the segment with a long shot of her big bulging stomach, and there's some dramatic synthesizer music. If you squint, you can almost see a little tentacle kicking against her belly.

And we cut back to the DANCING WITH THE KIDS TO HEAVY METAL. fun fun fun fun fun. i accidentally knock down a little guy with glasses, but we're all friends here.

I went to the gym today to work out. i do this a couple times a week.

so today i looked at the bench press and thought, i want to do that one.

so i drop about... something like 120 pounds on my face. it fell slowly, my noodle arms did some good, but as it rolled over my throat, surrounded by muscley people in tight clothing, i saw death.

death sometimes looks like a tall goofy guy wiggling helplessly underneath a barbell with not a whole lot of weight on it. after about twenty seconds, some guy helped me out. my friend mathew said at least a girl didn't save me, but it would have been a good excuse to talk to her. and there was a real cute one not ten feet away.

anyway, i left real quick.

I have problems. I can't sleep, i can't think of anything funny to say, and I eat far too much cake and it dribbles from my mouth and the makeup girl says i should wipe it off but i don't care right now. See this, tv audience?! it's cake on my face! this show is real, not fake! this cake is reality! you wanna know about me? you wanna watch my life and see my real stories? this cake here all over my chin and face, that's me. vanilla frosting.

i realized today that one of my favorite things is to tell drunk girls i think they're pretty. they don't even pay attention most the time. good stuff.

no, i don't want a napkin.

Arpit and Bloodbath, LEARNING IS FUN!
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Hey guys, it's that iseparable pair of unlikely best friends whom you all love so dearly, Bloodbath the unemployed pirate captain and his wacky, half-retarted fifteen year-old best friend, Arpit! Yay!

They are standing in the parking lot in front of their apartment building. It's sunny.

ARPIT: Ow... my torso hurts...
BLOODBATH: Hurt's like how?
ARPIT: You know, just all jabby.
BLOODBATH: In your heart or your lungs?
ARPIT: Kind of both, kind of neither.
BLOODBATH: Was it something you ate?
ARPIT: Yeah, I eat lots of stuff.
BLOODBATH: Was any of it that "milkshake" you made earlier out of old prescription medicines and draino? And those drugs? From that big kid?
ARPIT: I mean, yeah, a lot of it was that... but a lot of it was also those egg rolls from last night.
BLOODBATH: Arpit, you need to go see a doctor.
ARPIT: I don't have to see nothing.
BLOODBATH: Fine. You'll probably die, though.
ARPIT: Yeah, it happens.
BLOODBATH: Oh, uh, now you do know you're bleeding from all of your orifices?
ARPIT: Aw, damn. You're right... well, i guess i can wait.
BLOODBATH: For what?
ARPIT: You know. The healing.
BLOODBATH: Oh... um...

Arpit's arms fall off, followed by his head, whereupon his legs collapse under his limbless torso. There is surpisingly little blood, and what blood there is, glows.

BLOODBATH: Now kids, don't do what Arpit did. Never. Not even if it looks good, the "milkshake" and the "not listening to your friends." These are two very deceptive, and decieving, things.

WINNER! THE CONTEST FOR NAMING THE CARTOON IS OVER!!
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The lucker winner, Kristen Beaman, has won the contest. We asked a question, and she answered! We needed a suggestion for naming a cartoon character, and she suggested!

So ARPIT AND BLOODBATH it is. They'll be joining us shortly.

What does she win, kids? A brand new zebra-striped SUV with an enormous embossing of her face on the hood and a big shark fin on the roof! And look, the horn plays that new 50cent song! Wow!

And thanks to all you people who tried to leave a comment in the little comment box but didn't. Better luck next time.

i hung out with these guys last night. they were all older than me by a few years, and were way more of everything than me. they do more drugs, drink more alchohol, have more sex, and read the bible more than i have. i've never even read the bible.

then tonight i was with my two doctor friends. they have their phd's in solar panel technology and some sort of film criticism, respectively. these guys do way less drugs, alcohol, and bible reading than i do. but dr. jason has a girlfriend, though he did describe her as a "bulldozer."

and now i'm tired from all the celbrations of relations.